Pretend for a moment you have the following internal conversation going through your head as one of your direct reports (who you find a little annoying with her detailed questions) wants to discuss some challenges she sees with a project she’s working on..
“Oh no, not Jennifer again. I don’t know if I have the energy for one of her ‘project concerns’ discussions…”
What are the chances you’re going to really listen and show some empathy toward her concerns? Let’s be honest – not much. This is just one of the things that make it hard for us to show more empathy toward the people we work with – we don’t like everyone we work with and can find some of them downright trying.
Now, let me state up front that I feel like a bit of a fraud offering thoughts and wisdom on the importance of empathy from leaders because it’s not yet a strength of mine. It does not come naturally to me. The good news, with intention and practice…I’m getting better.
In all the leadership workshops we facilitate, we almost always have a section for leaders to practice and develop their empathy capacity. Why? What’s the business case for more empathy? We feel there are a number of assumptions, beliefs and forces that are calling for more, including:
- Our belief that almost everyone who goes to work each day goes in with the intention of doing their best, and often the “system” gets in the way. We don’t believe people come to work thinking, “How can I screw up today?”, but we are so quick to criticize and shame people instead of being empathetic and looking at how confusing signals in the organization and poor communication/clarity might be contributing to the misfires.
- The fact that we are social creatures who want to connect and work with others effectively to have an impact. Oftentimes in our organizations we find it difficult to see our impact or to stop and have the occasional moment to recognize the impact we are having. This is one of the more powerful things a leader can do – show people how the work they do positively impacts others. Seeing and responding to this desire in each of us is powerful example of empathy.
- Because we are emotional creatures, we want our leaders to speak to that part of us. As our world becomes ever more unpredictable, this skill takes on more relevance. It does not mean employees want more sympathy (we’ll talk more about this in a moment), but it does mean we want leaders to empathize with the emotions we are experiencing as we come together each day and try to do our best, oftentimes in spite of the “system” we operate in.
Caring without Care-taking
We know from the Gallup organization data that “having a good relationship with your boss” and “feeling like someone here cares about my development” are both highly correlated to employee engagement and retention. A lot of this comes through with how well people feel they are being heard when they come to their boss and share their thoughts and feelings about things. This is why leaders need to treat these moments with care (but not care-taking). When discussing empathy during a workshop, we feel the need to make a clear distinction between sympathy and empathy. We often frame it that empathy is a “caring” response, while sympathy can lead to a “care-taking” response. I resonate with how Brene Brown in Dare to Lead, frames the distinction…
“Empathy is a choice. And it’s a vulnerable choice because if I were to connect with you through empathy, I would have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. In the face of a difficult conversation when we see that someone’s hurt or in pain, it’s our instinct as human beings to make things better. We want to fix, we want to give advice. But empathy isn’t about fixing. It’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness – not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.”
As we watch people work on this skill in the workshops we see often see variations of the following less than helpful responses:
“I got one better” or “Been there, done that”
As we try to hear someone out and connect with them, the situation they share with us often triggers a memory of our own where we faced something similar. At that moment we often actually stop listening to them and instead reflect on our story and get ready to tell them ours “If you think that’s bad, let me tell you what happened to me!”
The “what’s the big deal?” shrug
Sometimes we forget to truly put ourselves in their shoes and only hear them from our frame of reference. If we have faced something they’re sharing many times, we can often look at them and wonder why all the hubbub, but for them, maybe it’s the first time they have faced it. (I often run into this challenge when listening to my sons.)
“Ain’t it awful”
Sometimes in our attempts to connect and bond, we may give a sympathetic response like the above. This is understandable. We want to connect with our colleagues and if we can find a common issue or experience we both relate to, it’s hard not to sympathize. While we may bond to a certain degree commiserating together, it’s often a dis-empowering type of conversation.
There is no one right response when a direct report or colleague seeks our counsel. The key is to lean in, try to understand what they are communicating and not move to problem-solving too quickly. For more specifics on how to respond in the moment, see my earlier post “Helping people with the madness”.
This challenge of managing our own anxiety and helping employees learn to manage their own will be one of the key challenges for leaders at all levels going forward. If we can learn to show a caring response without getting into care-taking, we can better keep people engaged and moving forward.
